a little night music
it has been a beautiful fight
so it seems the happier i get the less i have to say.
i’m trying to figure out how to continue speaking about life without sadness. it’s weird. sadness wasn’t only a lens for me, it was a way of life. and now i don’t have that anymore. and that feels strange.
wonderful, obviously. but strange.
there were 7 years of profound depression, which also happened to be 7 years of friends and family holding me and caring for me and loving me.
now i am happy and stable and happy to report that i am stable.
it feels like i have nothing more to say: i was sad. the world was sad. i am no longer sad.
to be honest i’m having trouble placing myself. that sounds ungrateful but it also sounds true: i’ve spent 7 years engrossed in unbearable sadness and now how on earth am i supposed to define myself without that?
i’m not so sure that i can, or that i should.
i’ve always struggled with who i become after sadness; i have never wanted to be a poster-girl survivor who can point at people and things and show you what and where it hurts. (not that there is anything wrong with these people; many of the poster people for the mental health movement are close friends of mine: it just never seemed to be a suit that fit me). i don’t want to walk around trumpeting recovery and i don’t want to hold seminars about dealing with sadness.
i think all i want is for people to know that i hold darkness.
and that it's okay.
all i ever really wanted was for people to see why i wasn’t what i thought i should be.
“i want to be something good in the world,” i said.
i told you what it was like
when i held suicide inside me like a clock
(dry ticks mark time)
now i’m telling myself
it’s different now.
in what universe do i make my bed every morning?
this is that universe, apparently.
i barely know where i am. i am lost entirely, but not in a sad way. i’m not trying to say i’m sad to be happy; i’m quite happy to be happy. i promise you, this is not a complaint - it’s just a question. i just don’t know where i am. so show me.
i think i need to take a moment and realize i am in love with the world.