a little night music



it has been a beautiful fight

still
is.


so it seems the happier i get the less i have to say.
i’m trying to figure out how to continue speaking about life without sadness.  it’s weird.  sadness wasn’t only a lens for me, it was a way of life.  and now i don’t have that anymore.  and that feels strange.
wonderful, obviously.  but strange.  

there were 7 years of profound depression, which also happened to be 7 years of friends and family holding me and caring for me and loving me.
now i am happy and stable and happy to report that i am stable.
it feels like i have nothing more to say: i was sad.  the world was sad. i am no longer sad.

to be honest i’m having trouble placing myself.  that sounds ungrateful but it also sounds true: i’ve spent 7 years engrossed in unbearable sadness and now how on earth am i supposed to define myself without that?
i’m not so sure that i can, or that i should.

i’ve always struggled with who i become after sadness; i have never wanted to be a poster-girl survivor who can point at people and things and show you what and where it hurts.  (not that there is anything wrong with these people; many of the poster people for the mental health movement are close friends of mine: it just never seemed to be a suit that fit me).  i don’t want to walk around trumpeting recovery and i don’t want to hold seminars about dealing with sadness.  

i think all i want is for people to know that i hold darkness.
and that it's okay.
all i ever really wanted was for people to see why i wasn’t what i thought i should be.
“i want to be something good in the world,” i said. 




i told you what it was like
when i held suicide inside me like a clock
(dry ticks mark time)

now i’m telling myself
it’s different now.

in what universe do i make my bed every morning?

this is that universe, apparently.
i barely know where i am.  i am lost entirely, but not in a sad way.  i’m not trying to say i’m sad to be happy; i’m quite happy to be happy.  i promise you, this is not a complaint - it’s just a question.  i just don’t know where i am.  so show me.  

what’s next?

i think i need to take a moment and realize i am in love with the world.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to your crazy ex-girlfriend

this is our story

the six things i have learned from unbearable sadness