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an ode to my depressive self

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to my depressive self - you are not me.
that is what i have to say first.



i know depressive personality disorder is not necessarily a /thing/ provided by DSM but the thing is, sometimes it just feels like you have a depressive personality.  it feels like there is a different part of you that exists when you are depressed.  there are different voices inside your head that tell you different things, and you need to learn to know who you are through them and who you are outside of them and that is not an easy thing to do but from this i have learned that i have a separate depressive personality, a person that exists when i am depressed who does not exist otherwise.  she is a person who is drenched in cynicism.  she is cold but softhearted. she loves people fully and relentlessly but in the most misguided ways.  she is great and terrible but she is not me.  that is what i have to say first.

i will tell you right now that i blame a lot of things on my depressive self.  there are a lot of b…