my heart, my opus
it is time to tell you a story.
this is a story about me.
here is a hint: you already know most of the story.
most of the story is about me being sad, miserable, depressed, long depreciative fugues, blahrghblarghblaargh etc. from the very root of my root i have felt worthless and ugly and miserable and awful. that is something that rings more true than anything else to me and it always has.
but this is a happy story.
it's a story mostly about a song. incidentally, the song is called salve regina, and it was written by ramona luenguen. but that doesn't matter much.
chapter one: once upon a time i was in toronto and i had this horrible wave of suicidal thoughts and tendencies that just absolutely completely washed over me and everything that i am. i wrote this poem at a cafe called the world is not meant for me and i meant every word of it:
the world is not meant for me
beauty might be everywhere
and stars might fall and trees might
reach to the sky that might be blue
that might have sun
but light burns
and stars fall anyways
and glory is for
and i am out of love and out of
and the world is not meant for me.
when i came back i was sad. i went through one of the saddest months of my life. and this was my reality.
(farewell to anger - leonid afremov)
chapter two: i decided i could go to argentina with my choir, lady cove.
i had already paid and i learned all of the songs and said i was going and so i was ready and i was on a plane and i was there. i was sad but i was there. and i was surrounded by love and loving people.
and then the most marvelous thing happened.
we were in a church singing this song, salve regina, and there was one chord that rang so perfectly true that all of a sudden i had value. i had value because i was part of this fantastic chord that was ringing everywhere and i was singing and i immediately burst in to tears because never, not ever, have i felt like i am of value besides that little moment and i remember that and remember that things like that are possible and even if i don't feel them now i have felt it before because somethings can just transcend sadness and it is worth your life to go looking to find them. that is what i did and what i am doing. trying to find more of these snippets of life that keep me breathing. anyways, i wrote a poem about it, and at the end of the poem i decide to stay alive, so i figured i would share it.
my heart my opus
my swollen soul
soaked in heavy darkness
i am alone.
i drain the sea of all its life and dark waters swirl through me
here i hold the dark blue heart of fire
the melancholy hue that takes light
from light and swallows the bellows of a smothered lonely heart.
but even in the sadness
and the madness of sweet solitude
music holds me and rocks me-
and notes flow through sorrow
like it is nothing-
songs swell too
and the world is true
(it takes me back.)
so choirs sing my soul to ease
and i can sit on hands and knees
while billowing chords cry love like
suns still shining
when the world bows away
this world will have me
i can stay.