from a woman who is hard to love


before we get started and my friends start grinding their teeth and saying but meaggy we love you! just know that i mean a very certain thing.  i mean i am the kind of woman that warsan shire talks about in this poem.  i know that people love me and i love them too.  this is more about me saying that i am the furthest thing from what the world wants me to be, and i'm okay with that.  but not everyone is.

you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.
  (warsan shire) -- http://warsanshire.blogspot.ca/2011/01/poem-eleven.html 

i love boundlessly.  i love people i barely know.  this is a phenomenon that comes not from being neurotic, but from caring sincerely and deeply about everything.  anytime i have any kind of crush or mild little love for anyone, it comes from this little chesnut of truth deep inside of my soul which is this: i really, genuinely, wholeheartedly and full-throttledly (notaword) love people.  i get deeply invested in people who say three words to me, and that is because i can tell from three words what heart is holding them and that is enough for me.  that is enough.  i don't need to wait to know someone's whole soul before i care how they are doing or what happens in their life.  the first day of group therapy, i left with an overwhelming sensation of wanting to hold everyone's heart.  i feel like that literally every day.
i've got an obnoxious heart that just can't handle love with any dignity.

and then i'll tell you this is a hard way to live.
because it makes this true: i am a woman who is hard to love.

people meet me and they see my sureness.  this is funny to me because i know i do not have very much sureness or confidence.  the sureness is this: i know that you are good.  that's where it comes from.  if i seem confident to you, that's why.

there are too many reasons why to list, but for those of you who still tear their hair out over what a jellicle cat is, i'll try to define myself in this way.  i am a woman who is hard to love.  i am a woman whose arms are flabbier than they should be and my hair is wild and waxen, i am a woman with a loud voice who says hey shut the hell up when i'm drunk enough when you whistle or cry out at me.  i am a woman with a clear voice who sings like a lark or a total loon and i love so much i have nothing left.  i am hard to love because i have been told i am hard to love, and i have been told i am not worth loving, and i don't know what to say to either of those things except 'okay'.  i am obnoxious instead of shy and i love ruthlessly instead of quietly.  i am a woman who is hard to love and this is my letter to the world.  i am sad instead of happy and dark instead of light and i know how we become the abyss that we live in.  i am a woman who is difficult to love.  

because the truth is, i'm just a regular girl with a really big heart.  it is difficult to love me.  but this is what i have to say: it's okay.



there are a lot of things for me to learn.  you can't make homes out of human beings.  
but for the most part, i just want you to know
most of my smiles are real
and we are extremely beautiful.

Comments

  1. I love reading through your blog. It's wonderful and you are wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are a sister who is so very easy to love, adore, and fistpumpfor. xoxoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete

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