four: ring in the true

now it's time for a little cheerier new years post.
the previous one was a bit of a backstory.  just that i've been a bit sad (understatement supreme) the past few days and needed to take a bit of a weary look back on my year.
the truth is, from an objective point of view, i've had an amazing year.  i graduated from university, i was surrounded by friends, i got it together and changed my whole life plan, i've sung some songs, been with family, and gotten the courage to decide to move to ottawa so i can find my way home.

every moment happens twice, inside and outside
the world inside of me has been dark and dormant, but the world around me has been spinning so fast it sings.  sometimes it is impossible to reach the true - to hold and understand that the world spinning around you is the world you need to be part of.  but i'm a little happy today, and so i can stick my hand into a small velvet black abyss and pull out bells, little golden tones of truth and the ring of the true is where i will come to find myself when i'm sad.  this is worth doing.  it's worth having a large amount of evidence to prove to yourself that the world would have holes in it without you.  here is my cup of kindness.  here is the mug with the warmth of the world that i get to drink.

four: ring in the true

i know there are people who literally drop everything and come to me when i am depressed.  they just come over to watch me cry and hold me and keep me safe.  they cry with me and are just there, exactly where i need them to be.  in my darkest moments, when the only thing i want is to get out of the world.

i have friends who come to me when i'm crying and are just present.  and that's all you really need to be.  the isolation of depression helps build the bad world; it builds your inside world where certain moments mean that certain people hate you, even if they have only ever felt love for you ever.  but when people come to be with you, even if they don't say anything, they are just there and that is good because they are a piece of truth, a piece of the moments and a piece of the space that live in the true world, the world that is held by everyone.  elizabeth has done that for me so many times.  she just comes and gently reminds me to believe in that world.  i don't know if i would have made it through the summer without elizabeth, and i say that with a lot of real tears and real truth.

pretty much the exact same goes for shauna.  shauna and i shared a sadness sometime, and there is nothing more relieving than holding the world together.  if anyone has held the part of me that glows, and reminded me that i am something more than sadness, it has been shauna.  because she holds a light the thing i call darkness and makes me look at myself and see that i have been something, and i have been someone who smiles and laughs to kill myself and is loud and full of love.  but the ability to hold someone when you're not your happiest self is astonishing, and shauna has done that for me so many times.  to suspend your own world and live in someone elses.  that's crazy.  shauna rules.  diva4lyfe.  shauna got me out of bed and into the world and that is one astonishing feat.  she brought me to the truth when i was too blind to find it myself.

and there are soooooo many people who have done this for me.  people who have rang the bells of truth in my life and sat with me when i've been sad; so here's a cup of kindness, to shauna, to elizabeth, to michael, to stephanie, to david, to sarah, to erin, to mitchy, to jeremy, to andrew, to erinandstephenandbefferandlauren, to daniel and to anyone whose name i might have skipped; you are the reasons there is any truth at all in my world.  so thanks for that.

anyone who knows me knows that my family is at the very center of my self.  they always are and always have been.  my family has been pouring their love for me into my heart since i was born, and they never, ever stop.  lauren and kristian and bethany came for two weeks in the summer so i got to flee from my life and take refuge in the best place in the world (middle arm, our cabin) where we swam and drank and laughed because the baby's eighth word was "cognac."  and of course chris' family are always my perpetual fortress of refuge.

and of course.
the baby.
the baaaaby!
sophie was born in november two years ago, but i saw lots of her this year.  she came here dressed as a peacock for halloween (can i just say, adorable).  she burbles and bellows and recognizes me and squeals with delight and really is there anything more validating than a baby loving you that much the answer is no meaggy, there is nothing more validating than that.  

and i graduated.  whut.  i can't even believe i got a degree through four years steeped in my little depressivecoma.  but i did, in a weird feat of stubbornness and fear.  and my family surrounded me and celebrated me and so did my friends and it was weird and disorienting but it happened.  cool.  

and then there are the groups that have held me.  the little collections of people that hold me together.  the people who are collectively patient with my silly little inability to do anything, and were again, just there.  so here's to the mun oxfams of the world, and millenium network, and the farfalla, and the colouring club, and the choirs, and the rotary music peeps, and groups of old friends, and groups of new friends, and all of you.  all of the people i smiled with in the past who helped me know that even if i thought in my heart of hearts that everyone hated me, it was okay.  

and the music, the thing that (in case you have read this poem (my heart my opus)) anchored me to the world and kept me here and made me feel with a heart i honestly didn't know i had anymore.  there is something strange yet wonderful about singing all lies, aka "i can see the light of a clear blue morning" when that is in fact something i can not see at all.  here's to the overtones and the nets of people behind them and the meaning in music that is more than us and more than me and that is just the melodic beats of truth that bells ring out.  ring in the true.  here's to kellie and robin and maria and anyone who somehow got me to sing despite myself and all of the choirs and all of the pieces of music there are.  

here's to the every laugh and smile of everyone this year.  because each peal of laughter and piece of smile is a coin of gold to me, and all together it is the best treasure ever.  here's to more moments like this:

i'm scared of this resolution a little.  ringing in the true means living in a world that i haven't known for ever.  it means that i need to abandon my strategy to keep self hate close to my heart (so i can hate myself before you hate me, so your hate can't hurt me).  so that's what my new year's resolution is: ring in the true.  to know that you love me.  to trust in the world i can't always see.  this isn't an easy one.    i'm really, really scared.  but cheers to everything and everyone here.  i love you.  people have been saving my life on a daily basis and that is an astonishing life to get to live.  so i am going to try as hard as i can to not get stuck in my false world, and to celebrate the truth.  ring in the true.  and that is the gift to people who love me: to keep trusting them.  to keep them in my world.

ring in the true. :)

post-script: also, here's to nessie.  obviously.  just look at her.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this Meaghan! I forget a lot of things but your own kindness and awesome Aylwardness will never slip my mind.

    Ring in the true; I have never known depth like this. I must learn a few more things from you :) Happy New year darling!


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