blue to true

i don't know if i have ever in my life made a successful new year's resolution.  i probably have, but if i have it was an accident.  last year my resolution was to smile always. lololololol.

i don't know what wisdom i'll pull from this yet.  that's for a later post. for now i'm looking back on this year and seeing my life in a lot of different ways.

these are the things that i know.  this has been the scariest year of my life.  the past 6 months were only about 1/19340923th as bad as the first six, but i'm still here in an emotionally comatose state and i still haven't gotten to the place where i can get up on purpose, or exercise (ever. at all.) or focus on anything because i'm just not there yet.  all in all, i'm okay with that.  i can put on my obnoxious little mask and go through the motions.  i'm moving to ottawa on january 4th and leaving this wonderful rock behind me for a few years.  i want this move to change everything.  i want my body to ache from missing the sea and my heart beat to 'let me fish off cape st. mary's'.  i want to fill my mind with a new world and new place and new people to love.

this time last year i was so happy, and so ready for a year full of light, but my depression pulled me down and since then i've been crawling through mud.  so i'm pretty sure new years is a terrible time for people with depression. to have to judge ourselves against naive wishes made in wellness, and hope for something better, when maybe it just didn't come because the serotonin levels in our brains said "hey no way!" and that's really okay and maybe not our fault but it still feels sad.  i've been pretty sad today and yesterday thinking about it.  and so i'm going through the motions.  i'm smiling and being obnoxious and going through the motions, so i'll be okay.  this is the year that i finally admitted my sadness to everyone.  people had heard tidbits and snippets, but i would try to cut and paste around things to make them less scary before this year.  no one knew just how often i think about dying (which is just about every day) and how much darkness i hold.  i told my closest friends and family first with this post.  sending that e-mail was so scary.  writing this is scary.  i'm scared all of the time.  i'm scared if i show too much darkness people will turn away from me.  i'm scared i've already shown too much darkness, and people have already turned away from me.  the point is, i kept trying to make this post all happygogo but it just can't be.  i've had a really sad year.  but that's okay.  because that year is behind me.  even if i'm still sad, that year is behind me.  but the truth of my year is, i had so much support from people.  there were so many people who cried when they read my e-mail and had teary phone calls with me, or sent me long lovely rambly e-mails or short and lovely text messages or waited until they saw me to hug me and hug me and hug me.  so that is the background to my next point: celebrate the truth.  ring in the true.

these are the things that i know.  i have lots of goals and lots of things i want to be.  i want to be something good in the world.  i want to stop one heart from breaking.  i want my body to be healthy and my heart to be full.  i want to do all of the normal things like go to the gym or do more work with oxfam or start learning to be a normal person again or start biking everywhere when i live in a bikeworthy city.  these are all things that i can do, and things that i can do when i'm well.  and these things are what wellness means.  i want to smile like this:

remember my little "two worlds we live in a different world" thing?  my depressive self builds an entire depressive world around me.  this is a horrible thing about depression, because it twists and braids the people you love into demons as well.  this is a world without truth.  there is a huge shame i feel from this.  i hate that my mind finds demons within people and makes them my reality.  there is a nasty version of the world that is full of evil and evil versions of people and that world is my reality and where i live when i'm sad.  because your mind doesn't only find things to be sad about when you're depressed; it also creates them.  and so when i'm depressed, you hate me, strangers hate me, boyfriends hate me, people stew in their resentment for me, and most of all everyone thinks in a different way that i am worthless.  

seeker of truth
follow no path
all path lead where-
truth is here.
   (e.e. cummings)

so there is my second world.
again, that is in my mind.  the people around me are wonderful and supportive and just not like that.  but my mind collects demons and they don't just live in me they will live in anyone.  it is so hard to find truth when this is your reality: when your reality is so thoroughly unreal, but is real to you because every instinct you have is telling you this is truth.  and this is what i think about when i look back on my year.  and this is a truth and a trust and the hardest kind of love.  it is so hard to know and celebrate the truth, the love in the hearts all around.
so instead of looking back on last year and finding something i did wrong, which is just about everything, i'm looking back at messages people sent me and deciding that for the year to come, i'm going to try my best to ring in the true.  to celebrate the truth.  to not assume what is in people's hearts or minds and to celebrate the fact that even though i can't see or feel this world it is there, and there are people i trust to hold me here until i get better.  and i will be truth.  i will tell the people i love that i love them and they are fantastic, and try as hard as i can to ring in the true.  

i'm reading 'white teeth' by zadie smith, which is for the most part enjoyable, and then i came across this line which improved the book by about 78%:

Every moment happens twice: inside and outside, and they are two different histories.

so that is my new year's resolution.
ring in the true.
i want truth to ring like the boom of a bell with long full tones.  i want to know the truth in the world, in the real world that people share and isn't alone in my heart.  i want to find what is true in the hearts of everyone.  the universal language of everything.  the trust required for this is exhausting.  but this is what i want to be and this is who i need to be.  ring in the true.  i love you and will always love you all and i will try with my greatest soul to learn to find the truths of the world this year.  i want to hold the truth closely and i want to breathe the same air that everyone has and knows is true. but really, this is just a fancy way of saying i want to believe in a world made of love, and not the one made of my demon's shadows.  my new years resolution is to live in the world 
but please know.
this isn't easy.
but not only that.  i am opening myself up to the greatest kinds of hurt right now.  

please understand that this year has been the hardest year of my life.  i have spent so much of it with the sting of mascara in my eyes. i was so sad. i was just sooo sad.  but i was just living in a world with no truth.  and that's what depression and suicidal life is.  because as much as you can say people are greedy and selfish when they hurt themselves, i know that really they are just living in a world where their truth is that the world is a better place without them, and so is everyone they love.  so that is my small little resolution that might change everything.  to practice mindfulness and try to live in the real world, where my friends and family.    

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