a merry little christmas

hey friends merry christmas!
i love all of you so much.  merry christmas to the people who held me through the year, to the people i meet at parties who tell me they read my blog, and to the people who are too sad to go out a whole lot.

this time last year i was really happy.
this time last year my medication was working for the first time in months and i was just so happy to be with my family and friends.  this year i'm a little blue but i refuse to let that take away my little christmas cheer so i am going through the motions; going through the motions of happiness and joy that aren't always inside of me because that is how to let them in.  so here's to the depressed; merry christmas, and i am with you as we cry through beautiful moments because we don't think we deserve them, and fall on our knees and cry and smile and are surrounded by love.  it feels like this happiness doesn't belong to me; but the secret to smiling is that it does.

so here's to the depressed.
merry christmas!
here i am telling you, you are allowed to smile and cry because of love.  no matter what you feel, it is because of the love around you and that's okay.  let yourself smile, let your tears fall, and believe me when i tell you it is okay.  let yourself feel what you feel.  and then smile whether you feel like it or not because this is the time of year that it is okay to love, and love is what sadness is made of anyways.

and so i leave you with this, the christmas edition of my love for gordon pinsent aka babar.  because i was smiling and laughing so hard with victoria when this was taken, and because i have made him do this picture with me on three different occasions, and because it makes me believe in my smile.

merry christmas!
if you don't believe in santa you might as well believe in joy, mirite?
love to you, and everyone i know - xxxxxxxxxxx.

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