Showing posts from December, 2012

blue to true

i don't know if i have ever in my life made a successful new year's resolution.  i probably have, but if i have it was an accident.  last year my resolution was to smile always. lololololol.

i don't know what wisdom i'll pull from this yet.  that's for a later post. for now i'm looking back on this year and seeing my life in a lot of different ways.
these are the things that i know.  this has been the scariest year of my life.  the past 6 months were only about 1/19340923th as bad as the first six, but i'm still here in an emotionally comatose state and i still haven't gotten to the place where i can get up on purpose, or exercise (ever. at all.) or focus on anything because i'm just not there yet.  all in all, i'm okay with that.  i can put on my obnoxious little mask and go through the motions.  i'm moving to ottawa on january 4th and leaving this wonderful rock behind me for a few years.  i want this move to change everything.  i want my…

a merry little christmas

hey friends merry christmas!
i love all of you so much.  merry christmas to the people who held me through the year, to the people i meet at parties who tell me they read my blog, and to the people who are too sad to go out a whole lot.

this time last year i was really happy.
this time last year my medication was working for the first time in months and i was just so happy to be with my family and friends.  this year i'm a little blue but i refuse to let that take away my little christmas cheer so i am going through the motions; going through the motions of happiness and joy that aren't always inside of me because that is how to let them in.  so here's to the depressed; merry christmas, and i am with you as we cry through beautiful moments because we don't think we deserve them, and fall on our knees and cry and smile and are surrounded by love.  it feels like this happiness doesn't belong to me; but the secret to smiling is that it does.

so here's to the depr…

to be of beasts

this is a poem i wrote in high school about the darkness i was starting to feel inside of me.
it's pretty self-explanatory.

the faucets are leaking leaking leaking
but no one knows and no one's gonna fix it
still, there's got to be a smile that fits.
and with all the iron curtains spilling down
our hearts are spastic
and it's hard to breathe
the leaded air.
all tears are fine print
even with the sky falling
and the pieces won't fit
because the world is

and the sparks from friction
they are the demons
but don't worry cause
your heart, like hell, will freeze over
(and you won't feel it if it breaks)
so you will know
you are of us.

this is how you do it

a lot of people i find to be on the cusp of help don't really know how to do it, or who to go to.
so this is how you do it.  this is good for people who think they might be sick to know, but also good for everyone in case depression or bipolar or schizophrenia or any mental illness waltzes into the life of someone you love.
here is what you do. in canada.  or newfoundland at least.  a simple guide to navigating our own little mental healthcare universe.
these are just the small weird details of things that people seem to not know, and might help someone.
disclaimer: i am not a mental health professional in any way at all.  if you are experience a mental health crisis, call the mental health crisis line (737-4668).  this post is just about helping you get in touch with the people you need to be in touch with.  don't listen to anything else i say.  this is just letting you know how to find the people you need to find if you think you might be sick.

the more people that know the…

on my several resurrections


my seventh birth.
my dismal resurrection with the
pseudoangelic masses
with love that is real and weary and relentless and old and
while i sit and sing the glory of my thoughtful revolution and revival cause honey
i'm home.

(but then, housed hearts crumble too)
my heart she swells and crashes and breaks with the
open, translucent love of light
(and light is what darkness is made of)
but while light sifts through the drudge of a raw, black brain
daggers and knives have found homes in me.

the grace is in the fall
the grace is the dirt under nails clawing for reality
it is the sting in the eye from tears and old mascara
and the throb of the ache of the muscle tied in tight bows of total decimation.
god, don't wait for me to shine again.
find the glow of my darkness and the life in my
unbearable being
cause honey
    i'll be home again

food: sweet veggie sandwich

this isn't a cooking blog or anything.
i just made a delicious sandwich.
i've been a bit blue lately and cooking is one of those 'i don't really want to do this but i know i should because it is better for me than staying in bed.'  i can't always do that because sometimes i am too blue.  so when i do, i like to keep track of my genius creations.

sweet veggie sandwich
- baguette, cut around 6 inches off and then lengthwise, subway styleeeee
- mix some cranberry sauce or some kind of sweet jam with a bit of mayo and spread it.
- add a bit of the ole goat cheese
- cut up some delish sweet veggies: e.g. red pepper, cucumber, cherry tomatoes
- thinly slice some pear

now you have a sandwich.
g2g eat sandwich.

purple heart: erin

one of the main reasons i started writing this blog was to show and describe my deepest appreciation for my friends. my friends, for the most part, know i love them and my heart is always sate with gratitude.  but to me these people are heroes.  these are people who have taken knives from my hand, watched my food intake with hawk-like diligence, and sat next to me with careful eyes while my mind was spinning suicidal webs.  and so it is no exaggeration to say that these people have saved my life, because they have.  but i just want the world to see them like i do. and so that is what these posts will be.  they will be your purple hearts.  essentially where i get to embarrass my friends for being wonderful people.  sorryi'mnotsorry.
(also, if you are my friend and you think you deserve a purple heart i probably agree.  but you will have to be patient so that i can surprise you with one.  i probably won't write these frequently, so you may have to wait awhile.  i will write the…

a heart so white

with tears or smiles or broken hearts
time was soft then.
to wish alone 11:11
to love once and breakheartsmile just forget
so shame is still.

but of all the hearts around me
no heart so white
so these are sad and sorry men
we would give the world to be.
and when our hearts collapse
just try to remember
we are not heroes.