two: these things have a beginning and an end


a lot of people shared my last post, which makes me pretty happy.  it makes me happy because of the amount of people who stood with me and said 'yeah, stigma is stupid,' but even more because i got a lot of messages from a lot of people who said thank you, and that it helped them, and anyone who really knows me knows that there is nothing in the world that makes me as happy as helping people.  because that is all i want to be.  a good thing in the world.  when i am depressed (right now i'm in a delightful remission) i feel like that is just never going to happen. 
but then i get better and it does.
and that feels
perfect.
and so thank you to everyone i love you all so much and so boundlessly it doesn't even seem real sometimes.

this is wisdom brought to you by one of my many life gurus who have forged this little path for me.  this is something she said to me when i was just past the year mark of a long and treacherous depressive episode. depression has a way to seem eternal, and it feels like it will own you forever.  especially if it has come to you more than once.  i've been dysthymic for six years, and my first major depressive episode was when i was in grade 12.  and so i had a few years of general light and relief from my darkest depression, but when it comes hurtling back it's usually with twice the force.  because the familiarity is terrifying.  this is a friend you do not want to know so well.  but you do. and that's terrifying.
and so this is the second piece of wisdom that keeps me together sometimes:


two: these things have a beginning and an end  




when depression comes back to you, it feels like it has come back home.  the prodigals return.  the ease and comfort with which is slips back into your life is horrifying.  everything else falls away.  and with everyone screeching that depression is this great battle and when you feel better you have conquered this evil force, falling back into misery just feels like that much more of a failure.  which is stupid of course.  but that's how it feels.  you can only come back to life and back to yourself so many times before it starts to seem a little ... insincere.  it loses the triumph and the glory.  but it doesn't have to.  not really.  if you just go and go and go you are amazing.  you have so many lives.  that is beautiful and i love you.

so this is the thing.
it is so easy to remember yourself like this.
and to look at that and to see yourself like this forever.
i still do.  i am happy now, and i can look at the life ahead of me and see myself in my bed and that makes sense to me.  looking ahead and seeing myself in the life that i have and the life that i wanted doesn't seem as real.  but that doesn't matter. and here is why: these things have a beginning and an end.

you don't need to think about how much longer
how bad it will get
and how it will be with you forever
because it just won't.
because remember when this started? because just before that, you were happy. and full of soul and honey you were wonderful no matter who you are.  think of that. let that be your mantra. don't look to the future to try to find a hope there that doesn't make sense for you.  but look behind your sadness and remember that you were something before that.  and you still are.  just know that it is there.  because you had it before.  and you will again.  these things have a beginning and an end.  darkness is never forever.  these things have a beginning and an end.

and that's it.
i just say that to myself sometimes.  over and over.  
and it doesn't drive demons away
i promise you it won't
but it reminds you that they are not yours, and they do not belong to you, and this is not a battle you lost but a friend who came back to you who you need to set free again.
it's a little line to hold on to, and love.
and so it will help, if only a little.  i promise you it will.  good luck.

on my several resurrections 
my seventh coming
there can only be so many seraphims 
willing to cheer again
and exalt and love
my smile.
i still glow like a moon
sincere with a light that tries to be
everlasting.
the whole world sings
with that kind of light
too fast to last but still so real and bright
it is worth something.

but daggers and knives have homes in me
and come back like prodigals;
welcomed.
they'll come back but honey don't worry they
just let you live again
later.
not loved but lost and so
they will come to me
in darkness
and i will hold them and love them and then
set them free
and i will live again.

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