one: find the part of you that glows


maybe eventually all of these little posts will lead me to a place of glorious sanity, but that's not the point.  the point is to keep a little collection of little palatable tidbits that might just be able to help anyone when they are feeling what i feel (sometimes. i'm pretty okay right now).  and also for my friends.  because sometimes people feel helpless and like they can't do anything when really they are kind of heroes.  so now that i am basically happy and have been for a few months i will explain.

if my depression was a game of quidditch, i would be the seeker and you would be the keepers.  

this is the first tidbit or lesson or collection of words that has helped me:

number one: find the part of you that glows





sometimes in your life you have been happy and that is all you need to know.

it is so easy to become sadness.  
all it really takes is just letting yourself think that you are depression and you will always be depression.  everyone will have a different way to do this.  i did it my own way, but then i grew past that because after a while you kind of have to.  i grew away from this by telling everyone all about my sadness.

and this is what happened.
i had forgotten that everyone who has always known me can hold this part for me.
if you are like me, and you try in dark delirious times to find light inside yourself, it might not work.
but the people around you remember who you are 
and they know that you were this happylittledynamobigheartbigsoul
they will keep you.  they will hold this part of you.  so while you are wandering the world in sadness just know that your light is safe.  the people who love you have the part of you that glows.

sometimes this is too hard.  sometimes your relationships with people get so strained and stretched by your sadness that they don't see any light in you anymore.  that is like the worst possible thing to do to someone who is depressed.  to stop believing they are more than sadness or drama or tortured words wrung out from an unhappy heart. it is sad when that happens but don't worry about it; some people just can't handle things.  as long as there are other people who know that you are amazing.  you are amazing.

it can be really hard to imagine how the people around you who tell you they don't understand but are still there can help you.  but there is nothing better than this: they know who you are.  they will keep the part of you that glows safe while you romp around through miserable springs.  don't forget to thank them.  the people who can do this are the best people in the world.  they are everything.  i usually thank people personally.  but this is more than that (for some reason i have never really mastered delivering convincing thank yous even though they are always sincere) - this is a long and real and public acknowledgement that all of these people were the first thing to help.  that the people who message me just to say you'llbeokay and meaggyyou'reamazingdon'tworry and the people who tell me that all of the time changed everything.  it is less an apology and more a true and honest and teary admission that this has kept me alive for the 9 months this year, and it is a hard and beautiful thing to keep someone alive. i kept getting sadder and sadder from january until june but even when i was totally wrapped in sadness i knew that my heart and light were safe with everyone i love and that mattered more than anything.  
this is everything.
the people who answered my message and came to my bed and held me and saw my demons and even just knew me for the past year are people i love completely and entirely and will never stop.  

sometimes i really just marvel about all of the amazing people in the world.
but this is more than that: this is knowing the power that they have.  that is important.  

so this is the part of me that glows: my name is meaggy, my dog is nessie, and i love pesto.  i like dostoyevsky and poems.  i don't really like toronto.  i like to dance when i am drunk enough.  i love the muppets and i love disney.  i love to smile and laugh and when i am really really being myself i am smiling and laughing a lot.  i would do absolutely anything for anyone and the one thing that can make me feel like myself when i am sad is when people let me see their hearts too.  i like to help people more than anything.  i like cakes and i love atonement, humility, and blueberries.  boom. 

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