Showing posts from October, 2012

one sad love song

this is a poem i wrote once because i felt like i was falling in love with my sadness.  so this is not a poem about being sad about love. this is a poem about being in love with sadness.  i think it is just something that happens when you live so closely with this darkness in your heart.  but it helps i think, to think of it this way.  because this way it isn't necessarily part of you.  

one sad love song
melancholy honey you hold me like a mother
you grasp and cling and sway me and i
am for you
your rock and heart
i live through your arms
quietly captive
and all i have to do
is wait.

we will be calm

heavy heart and weak my smile,
but if i am to stand alone
in the spray of a cold ocean
i will stand
without grace without mercy
or anything else
the tides might steal

and when i'm in comfort
i'll wait for waves
to kiss smiles off my lips

and i'll listen for the undertoe
but for now
let's be patient

two: these things have a beginning and an end

a lot of people shared my last post, which makes me pretty happy.  it makes me happy because of the amount of people who stood with me and said 'yeah, stigma is stupid,' but even more because i got a lot of messages from a lot of people who said thank you, and that it helped them, and anyone who really knows me knows that there is nothing in the world that makes me as happy as helping people.  because that is all i want to be.  a good thing in the world.  when i am depressed (right now i'm in a delightful remission) i feel like that is just never going to happen.  but then i get better and it does. and that feels perfect.
and so thank you to everyone i love you all so much and so boundlessly it doesn't even seem real sometimes.
this is wisdom brought to you by one of my many life gurus who have forged this little path for me.  this is something she said to me when i was just past the year mark of a long and treacherous depressive episode. depression has a way to seem …

depression is real, you are beautiful, and stigma is stupid

this week is mental health awareness week, so i figured i would contribute something to the ole mental health community.  there is a "defeat denial" campaign put off by the CAMH and lots of other nice things.  there are probably lots of more fun interesting things i could talk about like how falafel at mohammed ali's is the most spectacular drunk food, but i'm gonna go with this for now.

stigma around my depression has not been a big part of my life for the past year.  the people around me all know about my depression and are loving and never judgmental and try to understand that sometimes they can't understand and that's okay but honestly it's really not a big deal and it's really not a big part of my life when i'm happy.  i know the stigma pretty well, but my family and friends and former teachers and conductors and current professors; these people in my life are spectacular champions of non-stigma and the most genuine love and maybe they shoul…

one: find the part of you that glows

maybe eventually all of these little posts will lead me to a place of glorious sanity, but that's not the point.  the point is to keep a little collection of little palatable tidbits that might just be able to help anyone when they are feeling what i feel (sometimes. i'm pretty okay right now).  and also for my friends.  because sometimes people feel helpless and like they can't do anything when really they are kind of heroes.  so now that i am basically happy and have been for a few months i will explain.

if my depression was a game of quidditch, i would be the seeker and you would be the keepers.  
this is the first tidbit or lesson or collection of words that has helped me:
number one: find the part of you that glows

sometimes in your life you have been happy and that is all you need to know.
it is so easy to become sadness.   all it really takes is just letting yourself think that you are depression and you will always be depression.  everyone will have a different way t…