to finish and to start

all of my words until now are important background i guess.

but this is all you need to know to understand this blog.

  • i have terrible refractory depression and sometimes it is basically unbearable but i'm on my way to feeling better.
  • this blog won't be about my sadness.  i've already gone through that, and i can't really think of any real reason to keep churning out metaphors for misery.
  • this is about the little pieces of wisdom that make sadness easier, and trying to love everyone.
  • i promised my friends i would try to make it back to myself and the person i used to be.  for the past year i've been using all of my cognitive resources to get myself out of bed, or to leave the house, or something which is finewhatever considering circumstances, but now i need to get it together. 
depression acts like it is this impenetrable darkness and it feels like that too, and so the words that people spend hours stringing together to make someone feel better often don't work and from then on there is this horrible billowing idea that nothing helps and you will never be able to reach this person you love so much who is so far away -

there are things that help.  there are lots of things that don't.  
there are small little wisps of wisdom or love or light that somehow seem to make their way to me some times.  
they don't make depression or despair go away or light forever. they don't pull anyone out of their darkest selves, but they are little flares to remind you there is something else somewhere, something to hold on to.  and so i'mma start keeping track of what these things are.
i just want my friends to know that i love them and everything they are and everything they do.  and this is mostly just for me; so i can keep track and keep trying and keep going to trying to wander my way back to being some kind of wonderful person.

i also really don't expect people to read these things.  mostly because blogs are boring.  but that doesn't really matter to me.  this is the tree that falls in the forest with no one around, and there is a sound.

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