Posts

Showing posts from August, 2012

while sadness still holds us

its a ruthless love that left us here.
they were all empty battles
but we can see now
that it was more of simple savagery
and my insatiable hunger
for anything like catastrophe.
aphrodite always cried with us
because it was all so broken.

but now.
now we can be tragedies.
with different lives and different chaos
and with simple soothsayers to remind us
how happy we'll be
later.

but for now.
while sadness still holds us
just know
that i'll always have this sorry heart.

real words for wonderful people

two weeks ago i e-mailed the most beautiful people in my life
to talk about my depression
candidly

this is what i said


this is my sixth year of sadness.   i am writing this to people who i know and love and people who somehow make me believe that there might be something slight inside of me that is worth preserving.  i am writing this to talk about me and all of you and my life and how i need to live to get better.
getting better is really a vague thing to say and it might make sense to a lot of you but in very different ways and so i am going to clarify.  when i say get better, i mean so many things but mostly to get away from here, where ‘here’ is some kind of spatial metaphor for darkness, abyss, etc, etc, but really means depression and mental illness and all of those things that have arrested any kind of potential in my life.  the actual diagnosis is beyond me; my doctors keep adding little terrifying qualifiers in front of “severe depression” and i’m not sure which are medical an…

here is my heart

i am malleable.
i could be a succinct calamity
with small macabre alcoves
full of the furies from my heart

do not open them-
i am pandora.
still, without them
i am impenetrable.

i can be a composition.
a lullaby, or some sweet aria
with a gargantuan finish.
or, just silence - a statue
in shy circumstance.

i have an obnoxious heart
that just can't handle love
with any dignity:
i am every figurative phoenix
and i will see light again.

i am malleable.
but for the love of god
do not hurt me.