truth is here

i am starting to write now
about me and my heart and my soul and how i love everyone always and how that is usually just a very hard thing to do.
sometimes, i am a sad person
the blues are blue and the world is what it is and that is okay but
now i want to find light and i hope that's okay
my writing here
might be some huge triumph
coming-of-age-story-girl-overcomes-darkness-finds-light-how-inspiring

but there is really no way for me to know that at this stage.  this blog is for me in a lot of ways, but it is for the world too.  i can't really see why anyone except me or people who happen to care about me would read it.  but the truth is, sometimes i just need to speak and not necessarily be heard
(maybe i am the tree that falls in the forest and this blog is the sound that i do not make).
but if you would like to hear me, you are welcome to.
this is more about welcoming people to hear my heart than hoping that they do.

this is where i am right now.
i have spent a lot of years in a lot of sadness.  my life is full of love but i fill myself with darkness.  sometimes i do not understand what life is at all and my mind is a little carousel that goes like this:

the world is not meant for me
beauty might be everywhere
and stars might fall and trees might
reach to the sky that might be blue
that might have sun
and light
and glory

but light burns
and stars fall anyways
and glory is for
heroes
and i am out of love and out of
life
and the world is not meant for me. 

but that is a sadness that i do not want to hold me anymore.
and so i will try to heal
to remember that my heart is full of sea and light
this post is my pledge, to find the truth and love and light and life that is everywhere
that is all around, as they say
but that is also inside me

seeker of truth

follow no path
all paths lead where

truth is here
 (ee cummings)

so this is where i start.  truth is here.  this is who i am, and this is my pursuit
and this is me telling you
(if you are there at all)
that i will see light again.

here i am - here is my heart

i am malleable.
i could be a succinct calamity
with small macabre alcoves
full of the furies from my heart

do not open them-
i am pandora.
still, without them
i am impenetrable.

i can be a composition.
a lullaby, or some sweet aria
with a gargantuan finish.
or, just silence - a statue
in shy circumstance.

i have an obnoxious heart
that just can't handle love
with any dignity:
i am every figurative phoenix
and i will see light again.

i am malleable.
but for the love of god
do not hurt me.

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