Showing posts from 2012

blue to true

i don't know if i have ever in my life made a successful new year's resolution.  i probably have, but if i have it was an accident.  last year my resolution was to smile always. lololololol.

i don't know what wisdom i'll pull from this yet.  that's for a later post. for now i'm looking back on this year and seeing my life in a lot of different ways.
these are the things that i know.  this has been the scariest year of my life.  the past 6 months were only about 1/19340923th as bad as the first six, but i'm still here in an emotionally comatose state and i still haven't gotten to the place where i can get up on purpose, or exercise (ever. at all.) or focus on anything because i'm just not there yet.  all in all, i'm okay with that.  i can put on my obnoxious little mask and go through the motions.  i'm moving to ottawa on january 4th and leaving this wonderful rock behind me for a few years.  i want this move to change everything.  i want my…

a merry little christmas

hey friends merry christmas!
i love all of you so much.  merry christmas to the people who held me through the year, to the people i meet at parties who tell me they read my blog, and to the people who are too sad to go out a whole lot.

this time last year i was really happy.
this time last year my medication was working for the first time in months and i was just so happy to be with my family and friends.  this year i'm a little blue but i refuse to let that take away my little christmas cheer so i am going through the motions; going through the motions of happiness and joy that aren't always inside of me because that is how to let them in.  so here's to the depressed; merry christmas, and i am with you as we cry through beautiful moments because we don't think we deserve them, and fall on our knees and cry and smile and are surrounded by love.  it feels like this happiness doesn't belong to me; but the secret to smiling is that it does.

so here's to the depr…

to be of beasts

this is a poem i wrote in high school about the darkness i was starting to feel inside of me.
it's pretty self-explanatory.

the faucets are leaking leaking leaking
but no one knows and no one's gonna fix it
still, there's got to be a smile that fits.
and with all the iron curtains spilling down
our hearts are spastic
and it's hard to breathe
the leaded air.
all tears are fine print
even with the sky falling
and the pieces won't fit
because the world is

and the sparks from friction
they are the demons
but don't worry cause
your heart, like hell, will freeze over
(and you won't feel it if it breaks)
so you will know
you are of us.

this is how you do it

a lot of people i find to be on the cusp of help don't really know how to do it, or who to go to.
so this is how you do it.  this is good for people who think they might be sick to know, but also good for everyone in case depression or bipolar or schizophrenia or any mental illness waltzes into the life of someone you love.
here is what you do. in canada.  or newfoundland at least.  a simple guide to navigating our own little mental healthcare universe.
these are just the small weird details of things that people seem to not know, and might help someone.
disclaimer: i am not a mental health professional in any way at all.  if you are experience a mental health crisis, call the mental health crisis line (737-4668).  this post is just about helping you get in touch with the people you need to be in touch with.  don't listen to anything else i say.  this is just letting you know how to find the people you need to find if you think you might be sick.

the more people that know the…

on my several resurrections


my seventh birth.
my dismal resurrection with the
pseudoangelic masses
with love that is real and weary and relentless and old and
while i sit and sing the glory of my thoughtful revolution and revival cause honey
i'm home.

(but then, housed hearts crumble too)
my heart she swells and crashes and breaks with the
open, translucent love of light
(and light is what darkness is made of)
but while light sifts through the drudge of a raw, black brain
daggers and knives have found homes in me.

the grace is in the fall
the grace is the dirt under nails clawing for reality
it is the sting in the eye from tears and old mascara
and the throb of the ache of the muscle tied in tight bows of total decimation.
god, don't wait for me to shine again.
find the glow of my darkness and the life in my
unbearable being
cause honey
    i'll be home again

food: sweet veggie sandwich

this isn't a cooking blog or anything.
i just made a delicious sandwich.
i've been a bit blue lately and cooking is one of those 'i don't really want to do this but i know i should because it is better for me than staying in bed.'  i can't always do that because sometimes i am too blue.  so when i do, i like to keep track of my genius creations.

sweet veggie sandwich
- baguette, cut around 6 inches off and then lengthwise, subway styleeeee
- mix some cranberry sauce or some kind of sweet jam with a bit of mayo and spread it.
- add a bit of the ole goat cheese
- cut up some delish sweet veggies: e.g. red pepper, cucumber, cherry tomatoes
- thinly slice some pear

now you have a sandwich.
g2g eat sandwich.

purple heart: erin

one of the main reasons i started writing this blog was to show and describe my deepest appreciation for my friends. my friends, for the most part, know i love them and my heart is always sate with gratitude.  but to me these people are heroes.  these are people who have taken knives from my hand, watched my food intake with hawk-like diligence, and sat next to me with careful eyes while my mind was spinning suicidal webs.  and so it is no exaggeration to say that these people have saved my life, because they have.  but i just want the world to see them like i do. and so that is what these posts will be.  they will be your purple hearts.  essentially where i get to embarrass my friends for being wonderful people.  sorryi'mnotsorry.
(also, if you are my friend and you think you deserve a purple heart i probably agree.  but you will have to be patient so that i can surprise you with one.  i probably won't write these frequently, so you may have to wait awhile.  i will write the…

a heart so white

with tears or smiles or broken hearts
time was soft then.
to wish alone 11:11
to love once and breakheartsmile just forget
so shame is still.

but of all the hearts around me
no heart so white
so these are sad and sorry men
we would give the world to be.
and when our hearts collapse
just try to remember
we are not heroes.

an ode to your crazy ex-girlfriend

this is roughly my millionth time trying to write this blog post. i am not very good at estimating.  in any case i've kept writing it, posted it once or twice, getting some feedback and revamping.  the whole concept is just such a tight rigid knot of so many issues and insecurities.  it has been hard to pull  the one little thread i keep meaning to talk about, but slowly and surely i am wrapping my head around it.  so let us try again.
this idea first occurred to me in an english class.  we had just read and were discussing the story "a telephone call" by dorothy parker (read here: the story is about a woman waiting for a phone call from the guy she just slept with (she was a virgin), and as an unreliable narrator she reveals details which indicate that the guy proooobably won't be calling, and her relentless obsessing over trying to create scenarios to assuage her anxiety, the cl…

for sophie (with bellows and love)

you know what helps me when i am depressed?

especially this baby.

this is a poem for this baby, my little lovely cousin sophie.
because i love her more than anything and it is really just that simple.  also she loves me so it is all very validating.

for sophie (with bellows and love)
the world holds you
with complete delight-
time rocks you in reverence
and seconds and hours are prayers for you.

the world is new and
it sings and sighs in solar keys
and mountains hills and trees
are temples
with life for living.
you are the most beautiful melody
each note a psalm
and love your heart is one great balm
that soothes us.

honey you are pure life
your eyes pools of
deep genuflection
you find love for everything

and darling you love so truthfully.

three: my depression is a truth, not a battle

this is something that has always struck me as strange in the semantics and constructions around depression or any kind of serious illness.  the lines that people repeat over and over: she is battling with depression (or for others 'breast cancer', 'cancer', 'ms', etc) and even worse after someone has died, 'after a long battle with ___ she/he has passed away (...)'.  i mean, it's weird enough to have to conceive of the rest of my life as a battle, but for someone in the final stages of cancer who has to characterize the end of their life as a defeat... that has just always seemed really strange to me. only in the past year has the world these words create been really clear to me, and so i have conclusively decided that it is foolish.  my depression is not a battle.  

the dichotomy of victory and defeat creates an impossible world of both stigma and barriers.  i remember two summers ago i had the most horrible depressive episode in toronto and deci…

one sad love song

this is a poem i wrote once because i felt like i was falling in love with my sadness.  so this is not a poem about being sad about love. this is a poem about being in love with sadness.  i think it is just something that happens when you live so closely with this darkness in your heart.  but it helps i think, to think of it this way.  because this way it isn't necessarily part of you.  

one sad love song
melancholy honey you hold me like a mother
you grasp and cling and sway me and i
am for you
your rock and heart
i live through your arms
quietly captive
and all i have to do
is wait.

we will be calm

heavy heart and weak my smile,
but if i am to stand alone
in the spray of a cold ocean
i will stand
without grace without mercy
or anything else
the tides might steal

and when i'm in comfort
i'll wait for waves
to kiss smiles off my lips

and i'll listen for the undertoe
but for now
let's be patient

two: these things have a beginning and an end

a lot of people shared my last post, which makes me pretty happy.  it makes me happy because of the amount of people who stood with me and said 'yeah, stigma is stupid,' but even more because i got a lot of messages from a lot of people who said thank you, and that it helped them, and anyone who really knows me knows that there is nothing in the world that makes me as happy as helping people.  because that is all i want to be.  a good thing in the world.  when i am depressed (right now i'm in a delightful remission) i feel like that is just never going to happen.  but then i get better and it does. and that feels perfect.
and so thank you to everyone i love you all so much and so boundlessly it doesn't even seem real sometimes.
this is wisdom brought to you by one of my many life gurus who have forged this little path for me.  this is something she said to me when i was just past the year mark of a long and treacherous depressive episode. depression has a way to seem …

depression is real, you are beautiful, and stigma is stupid

this week is mental health awareness week, so i figured i would contribute something to the ole mental health community.  there is a "defeat denial" campaign put off by the CAMH and lots of other nice things.  there are probably lots of more fun interesting things i could talk about like how falafel at mohammed ali's is the most spectacular drunk food, but i'm gonna go with this for now.

stigma around my depression has not been a big part of my life for the past year.  the people around me all know about my depression and are loving and never judgmental and try to understand that sometimes they can't understand and that's okay but honestly it's really not a big deal and it's really not a big part of my life when i'm happy.  i know the stigma pretty well, but my family and friends and former teachers and conductors and current professors; these people in my life are spectacular champions of non-stigma and the most genuine love and maybe they shoul…

one: find the part of you that glows

maybe eventually all of these little posts will lead me to a place of glorious sanity, but that's not the point.  the point is to keep a little collection of little palatable tidbits that might just be able to help anyone when they are feeling what i feel (sometimes. i'm pretty okay right now).  and also for my friends.  because sometimes people feel helpless and like they can't do anything when really they are kind of heroes.  so now that i am basically happy and have been for a few months i will explain.

if my depression was a game of quidditch, i would be the seeker and you would be the keepers.  
this is the first tidbit or lesson or collection of words that has helped me:
number one: find the part of you that glows

sometimes in your life you have been happy and that is all you need to know.
it is so easy to become sadness.   all it really takes is just letting yourself think that you are depression and you will always be depression.  everyone will have a different way t…

to finish and to start

all of my words until now are important background i guess.

but this is all you need to know to understand this blog.

i have terrible refractory depression and sometimes it is basically unbearable but i'm on my way to feeling better.this blog won't be about my sadness.  i've already gone through that, and i can't really think of any real reason to keep churning out metaphors for misery.this is about the little pieces of wisdom that make sadness easier, and trying to love everyone.i promised my friends i would try to make it back to myself and the person i used to be.  for the past year i've been using all of my cognitive resources to get myself out of bed, or to leave the house, or something which is finewhatever considering circumstances, but now i need to get it together.  depression acts like it is this impenetrable darkness and it feels like that too, and so the words that people spend hours stringing together to make someone feel better often don't work and…

while sadness still holds us

its a ruthless love that left us here.
they were all empty battles
but we can see now
that it was more of simple savagery
and my insatiable hunger
for anything like catastrophe.
aphrodite always cried with us
because it was all so broken.

but now.
now we can be tragedies.
with different lives and different chaos
and with simple soothsayers to remind us
how happy we'll be

but for now.
while sadness still holds us
just know
that i'll always have this sorry heart.

real words for wonderful people

two weeks ago i e-mailed the most beautiful people in my life
to talk about my depression

this is what i said

this is my sixth year of sadness.   i am writing this to people who i know and love and people who somehow make me believe that there might be something slight inside of me that is worth preserving.  i am writing this to talk about me and all of you and my life and how i need to live to get better.
getting better is really a vague thing to say and it might make sense to a lot of you but in very different ways and so i am going to clarify.  when i say get better, i mean so many things but mostly to get away from here, where ‘here’ is some kind of spatial metaphor for darkness, abyss, etc, etc, but really means depression and mental illness and all of those things that have arrested any kind of potential in my life.  the actual diagnosis is beyond me; my doctors keep adding little terrifying qualifiers in front of “severe depression” and i’m not sure which are medical an…